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[kittycaterer]

Noctis Caelum

"You got Noctis. Do the thing."

VOICE | TEXT | VIDEO | ACTION

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[amities]

[Not having Noctis' gaze and instead watching the shift of his head as he refuses to look at him... it hurts almost as much as the phone call he received from the hospital. And he's afraid this isn't enough. That even if he could be forgiven for trespassing on Noct's life after all these years, there might not be a place for him any more. Noct can find other people, more reliable, trustworthy friends, he's sure he already has that. Just a few visits to the doctor, a closer eye on his condition, a more secured way of taking care of his health. He could do all of that without Ignis.

He doesn't need him at all, does he?

Ignis nearly pulls his hand away until a weight settles, stopping him, and Ignis looks down at another hand on top of his own. Pale, thin fingers, bandaging that covers the IV drip.

Noct's hand is so much bigger than he remembers it last.

Stay here. He hears a child's voice, and Ignis lifts his head immediately, eyes wide.

He wants him to stay.

Ignis' reply is almost immediate.]

Yes. I-- [He never wanted to leave him. He never wanted to be without his brother. He can't believe he's being given a second chance and he's sure he doesn't deserve it but he wants it, he wants this.]

I can't let you go through this alone. [Not again. Never again. Ignis leans in, nudges his head against Noct's, voice a brittle murmur.] I'll stay.

[kittycaterer]

[ The damage that he's done is so prominent, it's tangible. Noctis is so acutely aware and sensitive to what Ignis is feeling that it's almost suffocating. His throat burns, stomach twists, and he knows that this is all his doing while he's completely incapable of understanding why this feels so obvious. He's far more sensitive to Ignis' thoughts and feelings, where he otherwise may have been mostly unaware of it.

It hurts. A lot. Moreso than the physical pain that wrought him. But even alongside that? Noctis feels this overwhelming sense of need and gratitude that Ignis is here, next to him.

He's prepared for the rejection. Noctis has done enough; he's made Ignis feel incapable of helping, useless. Ignis will take off and his father will get word, and then he'll be disappointed. Prompto will be disappointed. Ardyn. Rosalind. Everyone--

Ignis says yes. Fast, even. Noctis is incapable of movement, but his eyes open wide and stare off. What instantly hits him is this feeling of relief and happiness. Appreciation. Ignis has done nothing to deserve the feelings of guilt that he has, he's never done anything wrong. They're brothers, and they promised each other that when they were children. That they would love each other like brothers, Ignis promised to protect him. And while Noctis is a grown man who would argue he doesn't need it, right now? He does.

Impossibly so.

A weight sheds off of his shoulders. Noct's hands begin to shake a bit, much to his inability to realize, and he tightens his grip on Ignis' hand. He feels Ignis lean close and press is head against his own, and Noctis leans into it like the scared child he'd been when Ignis was the only other child he knew.

That stone in his pocket is warm. Noctis doesn't pay attention to it, nor does he know that it's the stone that makes these feelings (which would likely be there without it) so incredibly strong.

There's a strong sense of hesitation, but a stronger need. Noctis reaches his hand upward, snaking that arm around Ignis best as he can from this angle, uncertain if he should. But he lets his palm lay flat on his upper back, curling fingers into his shirt. They were so close as children, always calling each other brothers. Why did they stop? ]

Y-Yeah.

[ Speaking is so hard, and he's still shaking. ]

I'm...

I'm glad you're here... Iggy.

[amities]

[With Ignis leaned in, his side presses against the railing of the hospital bed, nudging the stone in his pocket against his hip. He'd been carrying it around ever since the moment he'd received it, unsure of what to do. While throwing it away had seemed like an option the shape of it made him assume it was more meant to be kept as some sort of memento, maybe distributed around through the city for the holiday, and so he kept it ever since.

He can't feel the stone. He isn't even aware of its presence, for all he can feel is Noct. He's trembling, and he doesn't know why, but there's the winding tug of his arm around his body and Ignis is immediately drawn into memories from their past. Noctis, young and alone, afraid and lonely, clinging to Ignis' hands as he prepares to leave the hospital with his mother. Noctis, wide-eyed and impressionable, shy and hesitant, greeting Ignis upon his arrival at his father's estate.

Noct, his dearest friend, his precious brother, crying after waking up in the middle of the night, clinging to Ignis' shirt as tears flood down his cheeks and he whimpers to Ignis to not leave, never leave him, always stay by his side, stay with him, please. And Ignis embraces him tightly and tells him--]

Noct.

[He carefully wraps an arm around his shoulder, hand sliding out from underneath Noct's, cupping against his hair as he pulls him closer into his side. He's so warm and small, here in this large bed, just like always. But he's not alone anymore. They're not alone anymore.

"I call you Iggy because best friends always have nicknames. So do brothers."

"Then I love you like a brother, too! Very much, always."

"Me too. Always. I'll always be your brother."

Ignis closes his eyes, and behind his eyelids he sees a small boy. He's pushed toward him, and he seems hesitant, confused, unsure of what to do. A hand extends. The boy, surprised, takes the hand in both his own. He feels him grip tight. The boy smiles.

His eyes flutter open.]

I won't go anywhere, Noct.

[kittycaterer]

[ It's overflowing; these feelings of need and fear. Crippling loneliness and sadness, all feelings that he was so good at ignoring before now. Noctis has no clue why he's so sensitive right now, but he does know that if Ignis were to break away right now it would destroy him. Wholly and completely. He clings to Ignis like a lifeline in this awkward, sideways hug that they maintain. But his eyes are closed, and he's brought back to a time when they were much smaller, yet stood much like this.

"Fetch Ignis. We both know he won't stop crying until he's here."

He remembers his father saying that. After a particularly brutal day of tests, checkups, and injections. Complete with that... That fucking feeding tube. Noctis had been so poor in health at the ripe age of eight, and he just remembers feeling so scared. His stomach had hurt so badly, he was so terrified of the fixture falling out. He still has nightmares about that now. But in his nightmares, Ignis never came.

He can remember like it was yesterday, Ignis small and quiet, yet still so much bigger than Noctis. Holding him a lot like this, with his hand calmly cradling his head while the other held him close. It's so childish in this setting, but he regresses without the ability to ignore it. Ignis repeats an age-old reassurance that he's here, and it's similar enough that he almost hears it in that strikingly smaller voice he'd had before.

Noctis feels so, so terrible that he turned Ignis away. He made a mistake. Maybe this is karma, veering its ugly head to prove a point. He'd had this episode so closely after rejecting Ignis that it seems almost blatant. But he knows it doesn't work that way.

The overwhelming feeling is almost painful, it dictates the way he breathes and the way he thinks and Noctis has zero clue how to deal with it other than to let it run its course. He shifts, turning a bit in his bed while he sits up, so he's able to face Ignis. But it's not a proper placement, no. At this angle, Noctis shifts and his face is sufficiently buried in Ignis' chest. He's fully clinging to him now, arms around his back. If only to hide the warm tears that start instantly streaking down his cheeks in silence. This week has been so hard, and he just wants it to be over. ]

I should have kept in touch.

I shouldn't have--

[ He shouldn't have turned Ignis away, but there's a part of him that still isn't ready to admit that he's in such poor straights. He shakes his head to indicate he can't finish his sentence, falling in silence to avoid audibly sobbing. ]

[amities]

[Something flares up in him, violent and desperate, as strong as the arms clinging to him and it's in this moment that Ignis knows he couldn't possibly let Noctis go for fear that he could very well break into a million pieces, that's how brittle he's become. And he wasn't there for him, he left him, he shouldn't have but he did and yet Noctis thinks this is all his fault and it's not.]

Don't be ridiculous. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. [His voice sounds too harsh for his ears but the emotion is so strong he can't even hold it back.]

I... from the very beginning, I should have never left you. I made a promise--

[Ignis pauses, holding Noct tighter as his voice breaks and he has to bite the inside of his cheek. They were with each other all the time, he made a promise to care for Noct and treat him like a brother, to always be by his side. And then just like that all of it was gone. He could have lost him for good all because of, what, really? He has no excuse. Ignis isn't even sure how Noctis can forgive him for abandoning him, for thinking he could just walk back into his life like this and accept to be treated like an old friend, a dear companion.

How could he care for him so much when he's let him down so terribly? Wetness clings at his lashes, nearly startling Ignis before he steels his composure and simply begins caressing Noct's hair, mouthing words against his temple.]

Noct... you're my brother. Please don't ever forget that. Because I won't. Not again.

[kittycaterer]

[ Noctis isn't a stranger to emotions. He has them, they come and go, and he's not the type to hold back tears if they start falling. But he surely does his best to avoid it all. This time, it seems that he's incapable of that much. Ignis' voice is sharp, certain, and somehow that brings him comfort but...

Gods, Ignis never sounded like this. It's like he only hears the sound of the little boy he'd followed around like the sick puppy he was. Noctis doesn't realize that he's legitimately sobbing into Ignis' poor shirt until it starts feeling soggy and wet.

You're my brother.

How the fuck did they forget that? How did they grow apart so easily? Any memory Noctis has of Ignis is purely pleasant, warm. They were brothers as children; Noctis practically begged for Ignis' company, regardless of whether he was in the hospital, at home, or out of the country. Noctis isn't nearly the clingy, bubbly child he once was but that doesn't mean he doesn't yearn for those days. What the hell happened?

Ignis holds him lose. It's embarrassing, it's childish. But for some reason, it brings that same bit of comfort he recalls so fondly. ]

What--

What happened?

[ Why did they break apart like that? Why the distance? Truthfully they are both at fault, but how? ]

[amities]

[Ignis doesn't know why a laugh nearly bubbles up in his chest, but he bites his lip and swallows it down, ignores the tightness in his throat as his words are bitterly murmured into Noct's hair.]

We grew up. [That's how these sorts of things always happen. It's so easy to prioritize your life to simple, little things, because there's nothing else for you to worry about. All Ignis had was his parents and Noct. And then adulthood happens, and everything changes.]

The world expanded around us. We found things that weren't each other. The paths we took, the choices we made...

[He doesn't intend to tell Noct that they made mistakes, because he doesn't want to think that cruelly. Whatever happened between them, however that distance occurred, it must have just been natural, he's sure of it.

Ignis only wishes he knew better than to just cut Noct out of his life completely. He needed him. He needed someone. There's a heavy, shaky exhale as his fingers run along Noct's back.]

There's no point in thinking about it. We can't change the past. I'm just glad, that I'm here now. Before it was too late.