kittycaterer | Ic inbox

Staying positive helps. You've been improving. Just have patience.

[Not that he thinks his words will be of much help, but it's all he can offer.]

In the area. I finished checking some flats in Apprassage and was going to head into Chata for fresh groceries.

Would you mind a visit?

[ Flats.

Hm. ]

dont mind at all
theyre not running anymore tests until tomorrow

[For a moment, he wonders if that's an actual honest answer. Just because Noctis is free from the doctor's hands doesn't mean he's prepared to have guests.

But he won't question him.

He's a grown man, afterall. He can decide if he wants visitors or not. Just like he can decide if he needs a caretaker or not.]

I should be there in about twenty minutes then, give or take.

ill be sure to clear my schedule

[ A joke. But at least he's feeling in the mood for it, even if it doesn't make total sense. Noctis does, at least, keep himself occupied for the time being. He alerts the nurses to let them know another guest is on the way, but it's Ignis... He's essential to this, they believe, so there's really no need for warning.

When Ignis arrives, Noctis is leaning back on his bed, which is bent on a slight incline. Supporting him in an upright position, arms behind his head. He's watching something on television, at least looking somewhat relaxed, despite the fact that he's still hooked up to all the necessary machines. Unfortuntely,
he's far too used to this. ]

[Noct, jokes don't translate well over text...

Ignis arrives with accurate timing, dressed in a pair of gray slacks, some black loafers, a white button-down and a light beige coat slunk over his arm. The typical high jelled crest of his hair is surprisingly gone, all of it left down and swept neatly over his forehead. Either he decided to forego doing his hair that morning or he didn't have any time.

He looks strikingly like he used to when he was a child, mirroring nearly the exact way he looked all those years ago. Prim and proper, back straight, dressed to impress. And yet there's a slight hint of exhaustion to his face as he steps further in, leaves his coat on a nearby chair and walks toward Noct.]

I'll only be a short while.

[ Listen, he's poor with socializing. You can't blame him.

Noctis hears the door open, brow perking with a soft "hm?", despite expecting company. He turns off the television, where he shifts to sit up a bit better. He feels something in his pocket, and that makes his brow knit a bit as he looks down. He feels it dig into his side, and upon inspection, he finds a small, heart-shaped stone. Not sure how that got there...

But he hears Ignis speak before he can reflect on it much, and Noctis' attention shifts to him. ]

...

[ He pauses, because what he sees kind of instantly takes him back. Or at least makes him hyper-aware of how much Ignis has grown since the last time...

Well, since the last he'd seen Ignis in a hospital setting. It was exactly like this: Noctis stuck living in his pajamas while hooked up to a hospital bed. Ignis visiting only as long as he can, but it was his mother who would express that Ignis can only be there a short while. He has studying to do and a bedtime to follow.

Now? Well, now he's a grown man. He has a life. And while Ignis had moved here for the purpose of working as Noct's caretaker, they haven't had a discussion past Noctis turning that opportunity away. Yet another mistake on his behalf.

But Noctis isn't entirely focused on that. No, he's focused on this weird sense of nostalgia that grips at him and reminds him of far too many conversations that differ far beyond the second one they'd had since Ignis' arrival here.

Ignis looks exhausted, stressed, and something in his chest is yanked at the confirmation that he won't be long. ]

You busy or something?

[ There's a touch of disappointment in his tone; it's not something he notices. ]

[Ignis has been left with so many worrying thoughts since Noctis was admitted to the hospital, he can't process the same sort of nostalgia with all of that weighing heavy on his mind, constantly, even now. But there is a degree of familiarity as he's closer to Noct's bedside, not just from all those years he spent watching over his side with his mother nearby, but that night he arrived as soon as he'd gotten the word of Noctis being admitted.

He's far more lucid now, his tongue still sharp, no drugs weighing down his system. None of the things that had happened that night are probably even a part of his memory, he's sure.

It's only about this short, brief moment--

Ignis makes a noise as Noct's voice brings him out of his thoughts. He looks to the clock in the room. The stores won't close for hours, and he really doesn't have anything lined up for today.]

Nothing that can't wait. [So what is his rush? His gaze shifts to Noct.]

You're still recovering. I don't want to cause unnecessary stress. [That's when it hits him as he remembers. The argument, what Noctis had said to him, what he'd done before... before he ended up like this.]

...more, than I already have.

[ There's a very strange sort of feeling in the room, something that's tangible. It's like Noctis is abundantly aware of how Ignis is feeling without him even saying anything, and at first? Noctis just things it's an assumption. An inkling. But he listens to Ignis speak as he comes closer, as he comes to his bedside and just looks...

Worried. Sad. It would be contagious if Noctis hadn't already felt worried that Ignis would take off after just a half hour. It's not like he has much company here, and truth be told? He's still horrified of hospitals. After all of the nightmares he'd had here those months ago? It only got worse. Noctis is fearful of his condition, always has been, and he's more desperate for company than he's willing to admit at his age. He had plenty as a child, but that stopped after the passage of time and the coming of adulthood.

With that fear comes loneliness, especially when he's left in this room to stew on his situation. Noctis wants to go home so terribly bad. He has a fuzzy memory of the first night here, of what he'd asked of Ignis, but he isn't focused on it enough to feel any regret or embarrassment yet.

Noctis softens a bit more, and it shows in his face; the guilt is prominent the second that last part comes out. ]

What?

[ He adjusts in his bed, sitting up a bit more, scooting forward. Noctis crosses his legs on the bed and keeps his attention fully on Ignis. ]

You can't possibly think that I'm here because of you.

[Ignis grimaces, hands still at his side, his voice softening.]

Stressors, if significant enough, can be triggers for physical ailments. Or can greatly exasperate already existing conditions.

[He doesn't know why it feels like he's excusing anything, something, but there's a part of him that feels like it needs to say something, now, before he loses his chance to speak to Noct again. Before something like this happens again, and he isn't quick enough to come to his side.

His hands ball up into fists.]

I arrived here without notice, intending to change your way of life. Something you'd tried so hard to manage on your own. You've always been under your father's watch. Someone has always been caring for you. As a child, you'd never complained, but as you became an adult...

[He must have become so bitter, so angry. To not be allowed to live his own life on his own, to be reminded time and time again that he had a chronic illness that would never give him the freedom a regular individual has.

And he came here, for what reason? To coddle him? Pity him? Make things a little easier? To ruin his life by reminding him of what he'd be forced to live with for the rest of his life? Ignis turns his head away, lips twisting into a grim expression as his gaze hardens.]

And here I am, saying far too much again. [He reaches up to remove his glasses, pinch at the bridge of his nose, and when his glasses return to his face and he sees that clear image of Noct in that hospital bed he sees him. Alone. Again. Like all those years ago.

He only came here to help. He only wanted to help.]

I never intended to come here to hurt you, but I... fear that I did. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Noctis.

[ It's really no wonder that this conversation was coming, he just... Didn't think it was going to be in this direction. Or by these means. Hopefully later. And habits tell him to just brush it off and move forward, because he's piss poor and reassuring anyone of anything; he apparently hadn't hit the mark all the times he tried assuring Prompto he hasn't done anything wrong. He hates conflict because he doesn't know how to handle it.

This is different. This is Ignis... Falling apart and taking the position Noctis had taken so many times as a child. He's blaming himself, and while Noctis has seen people like his father do that so many times, it's not a side of Ignis that Noctis is used to. Especially after so many years have passed.

And, gods, it's abundant. Noctis can practically feel the rough feelings sticky on his fingers and heavy in his lungs. It shows in his face, where this empathetic sort of look actually manages to cross his features. He's usually terrible at it, but he realizes he's powerless to prevent himself from acting on it.

He wants Ignis to be his reassurance again. Not the other way around. Ignis was always the one keeping Noctis' chin up. This is almost completely uncharted territory for him. ]

I--

[ He isn't sure where to start. At all. Noctis purses his lips as he shifts his gaze away momentarily. This is the damage he's done by lashing out; he's made Ignis blame himself. He's worried countless friends, his boyfriend, all for this cheap sense of pride that wasn't even stable to begin with.

All he's doing is shoving everyone away and making himself feel lonelier. Noctis curls his fingers, squeezing his hands into tight fists himself for a moment as he tries to alleviate tension. It doesn't work.

Admitting this is hard. Painful. Noctis' voice is almost at a whisper when he responds. ]

Ignis, I was... I was already in hot water before you got here.

[ He's going to have to start doing this: acknowledging his situation. Owning up to it and taking responsibility. Because even if the reality is that this will be his life going forward, he's responsible for himself now. Not anyone else. His father's whim or no. ]

Most nights, I need my oxygen tank. My medication stopped working, so I stopped taking it. I lost ten pounds with zero effort...

[ His hands tighten again, and now he's fully looking away. ]

I almost died last year.

After years of being fine, I just... Didn't want to admit I was there again. You showing up out of the blue, yeah, it made me mad, but.

[ Another pause. This is really difficult for him. ]

I never blamed you for it.

[As their eye contact breaks, in that single moment, Ignis fears that he's said, done too much. And this may be it. He might have to leave this hospital room and not come back. He may have to return home. And some time in the middle of the night he'll receive a phone call he'll never be able to forget, which will hurt him in ways he's never imagined.

Don't push me away.

Ignis is overwhelmed by the feeling of a rift between them, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, and as soon as Noctis turns his head away Ignis can't stop his footsteps as he approaches closer until his hands settle on the railing of the hospital bed again. It's cold under his fingers. There's more light in the room. Noctis is lucid, awake, breathing. Yet he's still in pain.

He's been in so much pain for so long. He could have been gone last year and he might have never known--]

Noctis. [His voice sounds rough at the edges, frayed.] They may never discover what is wrong with you. There may never be a cure.

[Suddenly his gaze hardens, and Ignis reaches out a hand, fingers brushing against tense, tight knuckles.]

But until you inform me that you wish to give up, I won't. [His palm engulfs Noct's hand and he squeezes.]

I'm here to help you. In any way I can. Even if all I can do is stand here and tell you the most obvious things. You're young, you're strong, you've made it this far, you have people who wish only the best for you. Whatever I can do. Tell me.

[ Noctis is always a bit awkward when it comes to emotional discussion. Anything, really. He's never always certain how to process his own thoughts and feelings, socializing still being a struggle for him. But with Ignis... Ignis, it's like they never really went apart. Noctis finds comfort in his presence, at least right now. And it's odd, it's confusing, because he hadn't felt this strongly before. Sure, there was a shred of that feeling, but now it's like the guilt and empathy is overwhelming. Much as he might struggle, he needs to face this.

Guilt keeps his gaze away; he knows it's probably hurting Ignis, but it's without his control. He jolts, ever so slightly, when he feels that hand curl over his own. Ignis is here, just as he had been before. It's like he's eight years old again, and the older boy he'd looked to as a brother and protector is here taking his old station once more.

He can't turn that away. None of this is Ignis' fault. His father sent him out of concern, and Noctis remembers talking to Prompto. "Let that Ignis guy take care of you, okay?"

Noctis softens, but his head turns even further away. It's because looking at Ignis is hard when he feels so awful. When he feels so uncertain of what to do and say. It might come across as him pushing Ignis away, but only a half a second passes between Ignis' plea and Noct's response. That response is the motion of his free hand going over Ignis', curling over his knuckles. While it's hard to truly allow Ignis' promise and words sway him out of the low depths of his emotions, he tries. "I'm here to help you," and maybe he needs it. Help.

If not as a caregiver, than as a brother. Forever and always. ]

Just... Stay here.

[ Noctis squeezes a little tighter. ]

I don't want you to take off. Not again.

[Not having Noctis' gaze and instead watching the shift of his head as he refuses to look at him... it hurts almost as much as the phone call he received from the hospital. And he's afraid this isn't enough. That even if he could be forgiven for trespassing on Noct's life after all these years, there might not be a place for him any more. Noct can find other people, more reliable, trustworthy friends, he's sure he already has that. Just a few visits to the doctor, a closer eye on his condition, a more secured way of taking care of his health. He could do all of that without Ignis.

He doesn't need him at all, does he?

Ignis nearly pulls his hand away until a weight settles, stopping him, and Ignis looks down at another hand on top of his own. Pale, thin fingers, bandaging that covers the IV drip.

Noct's hand is so much bigger than he remembers it last.

Stay here. He hears a child's voice, and Ignis lifts his head immediately, eyes wide.

He wants him to stay.

Ignis' reply is almost immediate.]

Yes. I-- [He never wanted to leave him. He never wanted to be without his brother. He can't believe he's being given a second chance and he's sure he doesn't deserve it but he wants it, he wants this.]

I can't let you go through this alone. [Not again. Never again. Ignis leans in, nudges his head against Noct's, voice a brittle murmur.] I'll stay.

[ The damage that he's done is so prominent, it's tangible. Noctis is so acutely aware and sensitive to what Ignis is feeling that it's almost suffocating. His throat burns, stomach twists, and he knows that this is all his doing while he's completely incapable of understanding why this feels so obvious. He's far more sensitive to Ignis' thoughts and feelings, where he otherwise may have been mostly unaware of it.

It hurts. A lot. Moreso than the physical pain that wrought him. But even alongside that? Noctis feels this overwhelming sense of need and gratitude that Ignis is here, next to him.

He's prepared for the rejection. Noctis has done enough; he's made Ignis feel incapable of helping, useless. Ignis will take off and his father will get word, and then he'll be disappointed. Prompto will be disappointed. Ardyn. Rosalind. Everyone--

Ignis says yes. Fast, even. Noctis is incapable of movement, but his eyes open wide and stare off. What instantly hits him is this feeling of relief and happiness. Appreciation. Ignis has done nothing to deserve the feelings of guilt that he has, he's never done anything wrong. They're brothers, and they promised each other that when they were children. That they would love each other like brothers, Ignis promised to protect him. And while Noctis is a grown man who would argue he doesn't need it, right now? He does.

Impossibly so.

A weight sheds off of his shoulders. Noct's hands begin to shake a bit, much to his inability to realize, and he tightens his grip on Ignis' hand. He feels Ignis lean close and press is head against his own, and Noctis leans into it like the scared child he'd been when Ignis was the only other child he knew.

That stone in his pocket is warm. Noctis doesn't pay attention to it, nor does he know that it's the stone that makes these feelings (which would likely be there without it) so incredibly strong.

There's a strong sense of hesitation, but a stronger need. Noctis reaches his hand upward, snaking that arm around Ignis best as he can from this angle, uncertain if he should. But he lets his palm lay flat on his upper back, curling fingers into his shirt. They were so close as children, always calling each other brothers. Why did they stop? ]

Y-Yeah.

[ Speaking is so hard, and he's still shaking. ]

I'm...

I'm glad you're here... Iggy.

[With Ignis leaned in, his side presses against the railing of the hospital bed, nudging the stone in his pocket against his hip. He'd been carrying it around ever since the moment he'd received it, unsure of what to do. While throwing it away had seemed like an option the shape of it made him assume it was more meant to be kept as some sort of memento, maybe distributed around through the city for the holiday, and so he kept it ever since.

He can't feel the stone. He isn't even aware of its presence, for all he can feel is Noct. He's trembling, and he doesn't know why, but there's the winding tug of his arm around his body and Ignis is immediately drawn into memories from their past. Noctis, young and alone, afraid and lonely, clinging to Ignis' hands as he prepares to leave the hospital with his mother. Noctis, wide-eyed and impressionable, shy and hesitant, greeting Ignis upon his arrival at his father's estate.

Noct, his dearest friend, his precious brother, crying after waking up in the middle of the night, clinging to Ignis' shirt as tears flood down his cheeks and he whimpers to Ignis to not leave, never leave him, always stay by his side, stay with him, please. And Ignis embraces him tightly and tells him--]

Noct.

[He carefully wraps an arm around his shoulder, hand sliding out from underneath Noct's, cupping against his hair as he pulls him closer into his side. He's so warm and small, here in this large bed, just like always. But he's not alone anymore. They're not alone anymore.

"I call you Iggy because best friends always have nicknames. So do brothers."

"Then I love you like a brother, too! Very much, always."

"Me too. Always. I'll always be your brother."

Ignis closes his eyes, and behind his eyelids he sees a small boy. He's pushed toward him, and he seems hesitant, confused, unsure of what to do. A hand extends. The boy, surprised, takes the hand in both his own. He feels him grip tight. The boy smiles.

His eyes flutter open.]

I won't go anywhere, Noct.

[ It's overflowing; these feelings of need and fear. Crippling loneliness and sadness, all feelings that he was so good at ignoring before now. Noctis has no clue why he's so sensitive right now, but he does know that if Ignis were to break away right now it would destroy him. Wholly and completely. He clings to Ignis like a lifeline in this awkward, sideways hug that they maintain. But his eyes are closed, and he's brought back to a time when they were much smaller, yet stood much like this.

"Fetch Ignis. We both know he won't stop crying until he's here."

He remembers his father saying that. After a particularly brutal day of tests, checkups, and injections. Complete with that... That fucking feeding tube. Noctis had been so poor in health at the ripe age of eight, and he just remembers feeling so scared. His stomach had hurt so badly, he was so terrified of the fixture falling out. He still has nightmares about that now. But in his nightmares, Ignis never came.

He can remember like it was yesterday, Ignis small and quiet, yet still so much bigger than Noctis. Holding him a lot like this, with his hand calmly cradling his head while the other held him close. It's so childish in this setting, but he regresses without the ability to ignore it. Ignis repeats an age-old reassurance that he's here, and it's similar enough that he almost hears it in that strikingly smaller voice he'd had before.

Noctis feels so, so terrible that he turned Ignis away. He made a mistake. Maybe this is karma, veering its ugly head to prove a point. He'd had this episode so closely after rejecting Ignis that it seems almost blatant. But he knows it doesn't work that way.

The overwhelming feeling is almost painful, it dictates the way he breathes and the way he thinks and Noctis has zero clue how to deal with it other than to let it run its course. He shifts, turning a bit in his bed while he sits up, so he's able to face Ignis. But it's not a proper placement, no. At this angle, Noctis shifts and his face is sufficiently buried in Ignis' chest. He's fully clinging to him now, arms around his back. If only to hide the warm tears that start instantly streaking down his cheeks in silence. This week has been so hard, and he just wants it to be over. ]

I should have kept in touch.

I shouldn't have--

[ He shouldn't have turned Ignis away, but there's a part of him that still isn't ready to admit that he's in such poor straights. He shakes his head to indicate he can't finish his sentence, falling in silence to avoid audibly sobbing. ]

[Something flares up in him, violent and desperate, as strong as the arms clinging to him and it's in this moment that Ignis knows he couldn't possibly let Noctis go for fear that he could very well break into a million pieces, that's how brittle he's become. And he wasn't there for him, he left him, he shouldn't have but he did and yet Noctis thinks this is all his fault and it's not.]

Don't be ridiculous. You've done absolutely nothing wrong. [His voice sounds too harsh for his ears but the emotion is so strong he can't even hold it back.]

I... from the very beginning, I should have never left you. I made a promise--

[Ignis pauses, holding Noct tighter as his voice breaks and he has to bite the inside of his cheek. They were with each other all the time, he made a promise to care for Noct and treat him like a brother, to always be by his side. And then just like that all of it was gone. He could have lost him for good all because of, what, really? He has no excuse. Ignis isn't even sure how Noctis can forgive him for abandoning him, for thinking he could just walk back into his life like this and accept to be treated like an old friend, a dear companion.

How could he care for him so much when he's let him down so terribly? Wetness clings at his lashes, nearly startling Ignis before he steels his composure and simply begins caressing Noct's hair, mouthing words against his temple.]

Noct... you're my brother. Please don't ever forget that. Because I won't. Not again.

[ Noctis isn't a stranger to emotions. He has them, they come and go, and he's not the type to hold back tears if they start falling. But he surely does his best to avoid it all. This time, it seems that he's incapable of that much. Ignis' voice is sharp, certain, and somehow that brings him comfort but...

Gods, Ignis never sounded like this. It's like he only hears the sound of the little boy he'd followed around like the sick puppy he was. Noctis doesn't realize that he's legitimately sobbing into Ignis' poor shirt until it starts feeling soggy and wet.

You're my brother.

How the fuck did they forget that? How did they grow apart so easily? Any memory Noctis has of Ignis is purely pleasant, warm. They were brothers as children; Noctis practically begged for Ignis' company, regardless of whether he was in the hospital, at home, or out of the country. Noctis isn't nearly the clingy, bubbly child he once was but that doesn't mean he doesn't yearn for those days. What the hell happened?

Ignis holds him lose. It's embarrassing, it's childish. But for some reason, it brings that same bit of comfort he recalls so fondly. ]

What--

What happened?

[ Why did they break apart like that? Why the distance? Truthfully they are both at fault, but how? ]

[Ignis doesn't know why a laugh nearly bubbles up in his chest, but he bites his lip and swallows it down, ignores the tightness in his throat as his words are bitterly murmured into Noct's hair.]

We grew up. [That's how these sorts of things always happen. It's so easy to prioritize your life to simple, little things, because there's nothing else for you to worry about. All Ignis had was his parents and Noct. And then adulthood happens, and everything changes.]

The world expanded around us. We found things that weren't each other. The paths we took, the choices we made...

[He doesn't intend to tell Noct that they made mistakes, because he doesn't want to think that cruelly. Whatever happened between them, however that distance occurred, it must have just been natural, he's sure of it.

Ignis only wishes he knew better than to just cut Noct out of his life completely. He needed him. He needed someone. There's a heavy, shaky exhale as his fingers run along Noct's back.]

There's no point in thinking about it. We can't change the past. I'm just glad, that I'm here now. Before it was too late.

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